remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
