Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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