i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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