New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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