My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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