I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
