CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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