Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We left an ass print on the piano.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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