Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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