i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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