you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize