Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
