We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
