I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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