I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
