You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
