my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She needs sedatives and a leash
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
