im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
