I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
