I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
