her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
