I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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