maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
