im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the day after is always just damage control
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
