Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
