Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
As shirtless as possible
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry about my life...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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