i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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