:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
