He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
