the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
ok first of all what the fuck
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
