Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
