I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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