I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
