I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
