So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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