dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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