pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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