Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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