I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
