i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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