Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
