Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize