I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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