I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
