so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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