Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
