it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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