We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
