This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm always down for nudity.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
