You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
