I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You're like the curious george of whores
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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