He uses pillows to masturbate.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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