I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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