Already got asked if we're dating
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
