Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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