I think my fart just growled at me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
