I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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