I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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