I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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