My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
